We are who we are, aren't we?

Okay, so last summer I was at a crossroads in my life, well not really in my life but within myself.  I began journaling again after a very long hiatus.  Yesterday, I dropped that first journal while cleaning and it flopped open to the entry below.  I was amazed at how putting thoughts on paper helped to ease my mind.

07/24/08

When you spend your life doing what needs to be done, what you think ought to be done, you end up resenting what put you there even if it was all your decision in the first place.

You lose yourself in the mundane tasks of the every day. You become unrecognizable. Those around you come to know this “you” that isn’t, really. So then, what happens when you choose to leave so-called responsibilities unattended? Do people try to understand, or do they just put you on Xanax to conform to the you that never was? Do they still love you when you barely resemble the person they thought they knew? Do you still love them as much even though their ideal is what initially caged you? If they really love you, won’t they stick around for the ride? How much stress is too much? Is it worth finding your way back to you if it costs you your family? What are acceptable losses? Why should anything be lost?

It seems that in realizing how far you’ve grown away form the real you (though you’ve kinda been you this whole time) the journey home keeps taking you farther away from those you love.

Could it be that being who they needed you to be fulfilled you in some way? Now that you don’t need to be that person, do they still need you? Will they understand? Will they leave? Can you live your life surrounded by people disappointed in you, people who no longer get you? What if they can no longer stand by you? What if they just want you to be whom they wanted, even though you no longer resemble that person? In theory, wouldn’t getting back to you, the real you make for a happier home life, a happier hubby, a better example for happier kids? Something that is good for them is good for you, so why not vice versa? It’s your turn to be good to yourself. Wouldn’t they all enjoy a happier you, even if you’re not exactly who you used to be?

Trust them. Trust that they love you as you love them and that they would rather live a life with you altered than without you at all. Though “trust” is a big word, don’t let it scare you. You have faith. So have some faith in them, they love you always.