Friday, January 29, 2010

Dump and Run

Apparently I am now being sued.  Can you imagine?  Anyway, I get to go to court and declare how much money I don't have.  Fun.  Then I get to be told that I have to pay x amount of $ plus fees and whatnot.  This is just what I needed.  Lately, it seems that all I get is bad news around every corner. 

At least my bad news didn't leech me devoid of joy on a day when four people that I haven't heard from in more than six months have contacted me.  Did any of them want to see how I was or tell me that they were just thinking about me? No.  They all, every one of them, decided to call upon my shoulder for their woes.  None were willing to lend a shoulder for mine however.  Not that I would have spilled and boo-hooed all of my business to people that couldn't be bothered calling me for years(in one instance).  I'm glad that they called, and I am sorry that it wasn't for any happy news.  It is nice that they feel that in times of trouble I can be counted on.  Unfortunately, I'm going through some stuff right now and I can't afford to have my energy sucked out by these people.  My sometimes friends.

You don't have to talk to someone every day or week or even every month for that matter, to call them a friend.  Friendship isn't in the frequency of contact or in the proximity of the person.  However, when you only call on someone once a year or so, maybe it would be a good idea to do  a little catching up before dumping all your crap on them and hanging up before they get to tell you that they just had a new baby.  Spending hours on the phone without once asking "how have you been" is just selfish.  At least it seems that way to me.  I know that there are times when everyone just needs to get things off their chest, when you need to let things out, but to dump and run is just rude.  If you care enough about a person to need them in some capacity, at least spend five minutes asking a polite question or two.  If you were once close enough that calling them is still an option, then shouldn't you care how they've been anyway.

Maybe I'm just hurt that after so long, this one person really never asked how I was.  She never asked about the kids.  She has no idea that I have a new baby or if anything else major has happened.  Hours and not a single question.  Truly, I am glad that I could be there for her, but I am still in shock.  I figured she was going through stuff and needed me, so that was that.  But not even a quick "how are you doing?", just seems wrong to me.  The others already knew the big stuff and just bulldozed the conversation to purge their guilt, sadness, depression, or stress.  Apparently, my stuff just didn't interest them on this day.  I really should just stop answering the phone.

Okay, I'm done being petty, I think.  I'll get over myself soon enough.  Hubby thinks I should have ended the call with, "by the way I moved and the new baby is fine" and then hung up.  But instead I ended with something a bit more cordial.

Speaking of cordial, if it wasn't still morning, I'd pour myself a drink.  Okay, not really, but some days...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Search for Peace

There comes a time in every problem, when facing the unchangeable, that one has to come to the conclusion that there is only so much that can be done.  There are, in fact, some things that we cannot control.  When the ineffectual emotion is set aside momentarily, the fog may lift.  In those moments of clarity, there is peace.  At that point, there is freedom not defeat.  Every situation is not a fight.  There is no competition.  There is, however, reluctance to let go.  People tend to take pause at the things they wish they could change, when they should be more focused on those they can change.

I am one of those people that is easily riled up when something that I feel ought to be in my hands is controlled by another.  It is uncomfortable to concede that I cannot do EVERYTHING.  Though, I like to think that I can, or I like to feel that I can.  When there are too many variables, there is no control.  In my daily struggles, I will try to etch out those firm parameters and work within them.  I will push and stretch where I can and where there is possibility for movement.  Slowly, I will learn to ease up and let go. 

This is me trying to learn how to relax. This is me hoping to find more peace in my day.  This is me trying really hard not to try to slap the stupidity out the ignorant.  Of course, I'm sure there are those that feel the same about me.

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's Been Awhile

It has been three weeks since the arrival of my Mother.  Now, she is gone.  She'd still be here if my nephew didn't have a mini-breakdown and demand her return.  If only my kids had such power.  Anyway,  all is well, but nothing has changed.  The best part of her stay was being able to run errands sans children.  How I had forgotten how nice silence can be.  I didn't really get to sleep much, though she did try to make me take naps.  It's just that she would keep me up, sometimes until sunrise, talking and catching up.  Then, I was up again in the morning getting the kids off to school.  Besides, she would be the one taking naps.  That's okay, she needed the break too.  She might have needed it more than I did.  Over all, I'm glad that she was here.  Apparently, the rest of the family goes loopy in her absence and they would call her ten times a day (literally, sometimes more) just to vent and ask for help.  I felt badly for her.  She would let her cell phone die just to stop the calls for a second.  They would only call my house phone once or twice before giving up.  Apparently she suffers from lack of peace as much as I do. 

The boys adored having her here.  Most likely because I was calmer when she was here.  That's what happens when I get five minutes to use the restroom in peace, or to cook without interruption or even to just think.  It is fabulous to get a minute here and there.  Until those little moments of freedom are gone, you never know how important they are.  They help to release the stress that builds up during the day.  Who knew?  The baby is going through Grandma withdrawals.  Against my many protests, she would hold him as much as possible.  Now, he thinks that I will, and I am not that Mom.  If I had the time, I definitely would be, but I have three other children and a home to keep and I just can't do it.  I'm sure he'll be fine, but he sure does love the attention. 

So my Mom made me see the doctor for my weird pains and whatnot.  Now, seven appointments and four doctors later (not to mention all the tests) I'm the picture of health.  Unfortunately, the most important appointment is tomorrow and I've been scrambling to find someone to watch the kids.  This doctor will no doubt send me for a number of additional tests and still I am alone.  Is it ridiculous that I am annoyed that my mother came up here and made go to the doctor and just when we might be making some headway, my nephew calls and she jumps and leaves me in the lurch with no warning at all.  It's ridiculous to me that this kid yields such power over her.  My kids have begged her to visit in the past and nothing.  This one cries once and the next day she's gone.  Even if this new doctor wants to send me for tests, I can't get them done without someone to watch the kids.  There are only two people where I live that I trust with my kids.  One is in the middle of moving and is unavailable, the other just started a new job a couple of months ago and is no longer free during the day.  So, I'm back to having to rely on myself.  My husband is out of town a lot and when in town, he can only go in late or come home early so many times before it is a problem. 

I'm sure it will work out.  It's just bothersome that her whole purpose for coming here was so I can make and attend all these appointments, and just when I make a little headway she leaves with no intention of coming back.  She pushed her way into this and now I'm stuck where I never wanted to be, in the middle of something.  I can live with not starting things, but I hate leaving things unfinished.  We've spent about $250 in copays, not including the deductibles and I might have to put everything on hold.  It may no seem like a lot, but really it is.  Especially since I'm not done being probed and prodded.  Okay, now that that is out, I'm over it.  I can only do what I can do, so why worry?

So, my Mother arrived during the coldest week in the seven years that I've lived here.  Our heater went out and we had to borrow some space heaters and we ran the fireplace continuously for five days.  We had not run the fireplace more than a couple of times a year since we moved in.  Now we have a stockpile of logs and it has been up to 80 degrees in this last week.  I'm sure we will use them again, if it gets cold.

It's weird, it isn't like my housework got done when my mother was here.  I didn't go crazy doing things around the house.  There were only minimal changes to my routine.  However, now that she is gone, the stress is building back up quickly.  I don't want it to.  When I feel my head start to protest, I'll take the kids out and let them run while I try to relax the best I can, but I still feel it creeping back.  It would be nice if I had family closer.  Five hours away is too much.  Unfortunately, the longer my mother stayed here, the weirder my husband got.  He was thankful for the help, because I needed it (apparently), but as the days went on and nothing seemed to get done, he got more withdrawn.  We almost stopped having normal conversations.  He became very passive aggressive.  He refused to talk about what was going on with him.  Since she left, he is much better.  I just wish he would let me know what on Earth goes on in his head.  If I had a clue, maybe he would be able to get through things more quickly without hurting my feelings so much along the way.  Sometimes it's like he is my oldest kid.  He is the type of guy that has real difficulty coming out and actually saying, "I'm sorry".  So, instead,  he voluntarily admitted he was an A-hole (I didn't say it, he did. and he was right), then he tore apart my kitchen and cleaned out all the cabinets and ran everything through the dishwasher.  Of course, I have to put half the stuff back, but at least it is clean.  He even did some laundry.  He must be feeling really badly.  It's nice to know that he's making it up to me.  He wouldn't have to do anything if he would just apologize.  But this works.  Lord knows it would be forever until I got around to cleaning out all of my cabinets and cleaning closet. 

I am much more direct when it comes to my feelings (parents and siblings excluded.  it's a totally different dynamic).  If I am annoyed I'll tell you.  If I don't want to talk I'll tell you I need time, but when I'm ready I expect you to listen.  If something bothers me I'll tell you and give you a chance to mend your ways before I get completely pissed.  Once I'm completely pissed, it is then your fault since you were duly warned and I won't apologize for being a bitch.  I will, however, apologize if I go way across the line. Which, unfortunately, happens on occasion. I have never gone out of my way to try to hurt someone, especially one I love.  However, words hurt and once they are out the damage is done.  So I really try not to cross that line.  Others don't seem to understand that there are things that you just can't take back. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Blessings and Goodness

I have spent the last few days recuperating from my family's visit.  I love them, I do, but if I wasn't related to these people, I don't know.  They just zap the energy right out of me.  Sounds horrible, I know. They were here, and we did Christmas.  I bought food, because I did not want to cook.  Well, I would have been happy to cook, except that, upon arrival, my sister passed out for about four hours, leaving me in charge of both her kids and mine.  The poor thing was exhausted. My Mom decided to ask me about 10,000 questions, which just wore me down, and even with my niece and nephew here, my kids still ran me ragged.  So, no, I did not cook.

As luck would have it, my mom went home and decided that I was the epitome of death warmed over.  Now, as Hubby is coming back home, he is picking up my mother on the way.  So, she is coming back, armed with a box of supplements and protein shakes.  She is determined to make me healthy.  Of course, part of her plan is to let me sleep while watching the the boys.  At least I'll be able to rest. I just found out that she is planning on staying indefinitely.  That is NOT good.  Hubby doesn't mind, because he's hardly home.  Me, well, I mind.  Yup, this is me minding.   I can live with having her here for a few days, even a week or so.  However, she is talking in months.  I can't live with her for a month, much less multiple.  What on Earth is this woman thinking?  Now, she is convinced that breastfeeding is depleting me of all my nutrients and is trying to demand that I stop.  NO.  Not going to happen.  Just because I am tired and worn out, and apparently look like hell (the latter I was unaware of as this is how I always look, thanks Ma), does not mean that I am going to stop breastfeeding my four month old.  I have four kids and I am no Spring chicken, so I'm allowed to be a little tired.

Well, they are on their way here.  I have roughly five hours of relative, mother-free, peace left to enjoy, except that with her coming back here, I have to make an effort to clean or I'm in for another lecture.  All I know is that payment for my suffering will come in free babysitting and a date night every so often.  Hopefully, the combination of rest and a child-free night does not result in another bun in the oven.  Don't get me wrong, we are careful and adults, but I have the worst luck ever.

Oh, did I happen to mention that my mom isn't in the best of health.  She has heart problems, and nerve problems, and stress problems, and diabetes, and anxiety.  How does she think she will be able to handle my rambunctious children who are very, very loud?  I think it is more likely that I will have to take care of her, in addition to everything else.  Hopefully, I am wrong and she will be a blessing, and all will be well.  I just know better.

Well, if nothing else, she can watch the boys while I get the laundry done and sweep.  I might be able to actually squeeze in a doctor's appointment and get a real check up or a visit to the chiropractor, or a dental cleaning.  These little things are so easily taken for granted when you don't have a gaggle of kiddies to tend to.  Ah, to be able to make appointments for myself without dragging my little monkeys with me.  It's enough to make me actually want to visit my dentist.  Is that as sad as it sounds?  Probably. 

Okay, I am closing this with thoughts of blessings and goodness.  This is what I pray will come of this extended stay, blessings and goodness. I do love her after all.