Hillbilly Hell

I'd like to think that I'm a modern woman.  It is easy to meet people when they are everywhere you go.  When your neighbors are fairly close by, you kind of have to know who they are, even if you never speak to them. 

We moved to the middle of nowhere about six years ago.  There are more farm animals than people here. The thought of having a decent size yard was appealing to me.  People here wave to you driving down the street and they either ride ATV's or horses to tour the block.  It was such a change from the regular suburbs that it was kind of exciting.  Until, that is, reality set in.  Y'see, growing up in a city, (well Ft. Lauderdale isn't a city like NY, but it still counts), people take things for granted...like the delivery of Chinese food.  I can get used to everyone living behind large rusted gates.  After all, I really can't be bothered going in search of my unseen neighbors.  Lord knows I don't want these yahoos coming to find me.  But messing with the food supply of the inherently lazy is just cruel. 

I find myself living in a land where Wal-Mart is the only place to buy anything that isn't more than ten miles away, and where a half hour drive is "down the road a bit".  There isn't any nightlife to speak of, unless of course you consider all the strip joints and porn shops that are on the main road nightlife.  Not to worry, they start at just about that ten mile mark.  I also never thought that bathing was an optional thing.  Around here, and I was shocked at this, they don't send kids home for lice.  They don't even bother to do lice checks.  Apparently it is such a problem that once a quarter they send home a list of lice facts and to each his own.  I guess that if they sent kids home for lice, then there wouldn't be that many left in school.  All I can say is I'm glad I have boys.  I've become so paranoid that I run a lice comb through their hair every other day.  They've never had it, so I guess my anal tendencies are keeping them at bay.

We moved here for Hubby's job.  While employment is a good thing, I didn't realize how much I enjoyed the company of others until there were no others to be found.  We had one child at that point, and he hadn't started Kindergarten yet.  I only left the house to run errands and I don't really talk to people in the grocery store.  There really wasn't anyplace for me to go, because I had to find my way home, and I could barely do that from Publix.  Anyway, I knew I was in trouble when I started to painfully miss my lovely yet mental family.  I could barely stand them when they were easily accessible, but here in the boonies they seemed like a far off dream.  Yes, a dream...to be able to have a normal conversation with people. 

Meeting people here came slowly, and in doing so I uncovered a fact of which I had previously been unaware.  I think I'm a little snobby.  I never thought so.  I still don't, at least not in the traditional sense of the word.  But here in the land of the toothless, where I have to think before I speak.  People have accused me of being uppity because I use "them jeopardy words".  Now, I have to dumb things down on a regular basis just to be understood and not hated.  Not that I care if these people hate me, but my kids have to live here too. 

I've come to realize that common sense diminishes significantly with tooth loss.  Let me tell you a story that had me closing the gate at my driveway just to deter my neighbors.  A couple of months ago, while still very pregnant with my latest, a very dirty man (not in a good way) rode a four-wheeler through my front yard and pulled right up to my living room window.  I know, who does that?  He proceeded to knock on the window as if my door had been invisible.  After asking me if I needed him to cut down any trees, he stuck his head in the window and stunk up the place while looking around.  I swear he was casing the joint.  He left only to return an hour later with a seven year old boy, who was equally dirty.  After telling me how this kid's Mother was on drugs and he is slightly mentally deficient (only not so nicely and right in front of the boy), he asked my five year old if he wanted to go to his house to see his new pit bull puppies.  Well, of course my son was all excited to want to see puppies.  So, mortified, I made polite excuses.  When I told him that I really needed to stay off my feet and would be unable to take the boys to see the puppies, this man, a total stranger, proceeded to stick half his body inside my window and grab my child to try to pull him out.  I told the boys to go to their room.  Then, I proceeded to tell this man, who at this point scared the crap out of me with his talk of 21 guns and a police record, that since they had not been behaving the boys were not allowed to go outside until their Father said they could.  At that point, he yelled for the boys to come out and tried to tempt them with rides on the four-wheeler.  After reminding this man that he had no helmets, and that he had been drinking (as he took a swig of the beer he brought with him) that it was not a good idea.  It took me more than twenty minutes of my kids crying that they wanted to see the puppies and ride the ATV, to convince the man that I was their mother and they weren't going. 

Now, it would have been easy enough to say "No Thank You" and be done with it, but toothless and stinky was on a mission to grab my kids and go.  HOLY CRAP!!! 

The next evening he stopped by after Hubby arrived home.  Well, I've never been so happy to be married to such a huge guy.  He's 6'4" and 320lbs.  He not so politely told this guy that he is not to try to solicit work here, and that under no circumstances is he to approach our kids.  When we're outside or if we run into each other that's one thing, but due to my "condition" I am to be left alone, and under no circumstances is he ever to touch our children.  Then we locked the gate for a week.

Well, the one neighbor I know pretty well thought it was the funniest thing, weird, but funny.  WTF.  Sorry, but how on Earth is it ever funny to practically have your child dragged out the window right in front of you.  Well, apparently this guy who lives somewhere around the corner and down the street, is supposedly really nice.  He's supposed to love kids (I'm sure he does) and is always having parties and is a real people person.  All I know is he doesn't know me and sure as heck has no business trying to lure my kids out without my permission.  That was unbelievably scary.  But around here everyone is apparently one big happy family and ours is the only house that isn't like that.  I hope I never am.


I thought he was going to take his drunken self home and load up his arsenal and start shooting at random.  Why else would he tell a complete stranger about all of his guns an stints in prison.  We never did have a problem with him after that.  Come to find out, this guy's kind of sappy and couldn't understand why the kids couldn't come over and play with the puppies and the little boy he takes care of.  If he hadn't tried to snatch my kid, perhaps we would have made it over there after Hubby had gotten home (I wasn't going anywhere all pregnant and sick). 

So I live amongst weirdos and I'm the freak because I practice good personal hygiene.  Really, I don't mind being that kind of freak.  Now if only people I don't ever want to know would stop telling me their personal business, I'd be good.