My Life My Own

Trudging through time.  Trying to figure out the exact moment that led to a very specific reaction twenty years later.  Does it matter.  There is so much time wasted trying to find the origins.  Though a sense of understanding is a wonderful thing, it is what is going on now that is the issue.  How can tracing events long past, stop the pain that was caused just this morning?  It does help you, but does it help them.  Does it matter to the ones that have been stomped on and pushed away?  Will it make a difference, or help keep someone close to you, when you realize that your past effects your future?  It is the same for all of us.  Of course, some cases are much more tragic than others, but that doesn't mean that the reactions aren't the same. 

As adults, I'm all for figuring yourself out.  What I don't get is how so many people blame their past for all their problems.  There are too many people out there with severe tragedies somewhere behind them, and even without therapy, they've grown into caring, thoughtful, responsible adults.  So, if that can happen all on its own, how can so many still blame the past for their future even though it has yet to occur.

For myself, I have a need to know why I am the way I am.  However, if I make regrettable decisions, they are mine.  The good ones are mine as well, yet it is rare to take credit for that.  No one is forced to hurt the feelings of others.  Though the road is often difficult, the past doesn't have to follow you wherever you may go.  It will never be forgotten, nor should it be.  The past is part of who you are.  It is something to be accepted and then dismissed.  Take the lessons learned and try to move forward.  The more people you encounter, the more people who you touch, the further removed from the past you become.

It can be the most difficult task to let something go.  More often it is the bad things that tend to linger in the heart and mind.  So long as we can find a way to push them to the corners and lose them in the shadows, we can move on.  There will always come a time when these memories seek the sun, but few and far between is so much better than being in the forefront daily.

Acceptance and responsibility lead the road to a better you.  It's a rough road, but at the end lies freedom and respect.  I'd say it's worth the journey.

Warm-Gooey Center

Admittedly, I write better when I am less than happy, whether that be annoyed, hurt, angry, sad or anything else.  I suppose it is because I write to free my soul and rid my mind of useless things that outweigh the good.  Hmmm... why is it that guilty and frustration sink to the pit of your gut, yet happiness floats.  Since it floats, it also more easily floats away.  Of course, that's not to say that I am not a happy person by nature.  I just don't tend to write happy things.  Maybe that comes off as bitter.  But I'm not, not at all.  While recently perusing my page at w.a.s.t.e.-central.com, I came across the poem found below.  Instantly, I was reminded of all that is wonderful in life in general and in my life in particular.  Everyone has their own sense of things. Happiness is judged differently by each individual.  This is colored by circumstance, emotion, and perception among countless other factors.  Though what makes us happy varies greatly, happiness is just that, happiness.  Once achieved, it is a wonderful thing.  Now, if only it wasn't so fleeting.


So Very Thankful


Don't want to cry
But it can't be helped
All semblance of control is lost
Memories are overwhelming
The good is amazing
Blessings duly counted
So far away from a planned path
Guided by the unknown to the present
Gifted in so many ways
What is lacking is irrelevant
It is all in the mind
There is much love in this place
There is just enough of everything
Warm and happy
Never alone and endless "sugars"
Not perfect, never perfect
But perfect enough for me

To Each His Own

In this day and age, things have gone to far.  People are afraid to just speak their minds.  Everyone is so easily offended.  Now if you say anything it is slander.  The world had become so litigious that the vast majority of people live life in CYA mode.  For those who do not yet know, that means Cover Your Ass.  It is each man or woman for themselves in a society who is trying to push community as an idea and a lifestyle.  It's either one or the other.  How can it be that no one can be trusted with the simplest task, yet now there is supposed to be a greater good that brings us all together to hold hands and sing Kum Bah Yah. 

I say make up your mind.  Either you take people at their word or they aren't worth a damn.  Distrust breeds the untrustworthy.  I'm not saying that we should share our most personal anything with everyone we meet.  Not at all.  It's no one's business.  However, if we can't borrow a cup of sugar from our neighbor, then are they really a neighbor or just a stranger who lives nearby.  And if that is the state of things, then how are we as a society supposed to harbor a sense of community if we can't be bothered knowing our neighbors. 

Don't get me wrong, around here I would really rather not interact with most of those people who dwell by my side.  But here, there are large chunks of land separating people.  There are also more farm animals than humans in the area, so it's a little weird to talk about community.  Here, the larger area is still  fairly small, and sometimes people will still wave when you drive down the street.  But mostly, people keep to themselves and those they know really well.  If you weren't born here, then you aren't worth a crap.  At least that's how they make you feel.  Doesn't bother me one bit.  I do find it odd that in regular suburbia, there was more "community" than there is here in this small town.  I thought that small towns were famous for...whatever. 

How do we foster a sense of unity, of true communal spirit to better ourselves as a whole, in a world that teaches that individuals are out to get you and each man for himself.  If the individuals that make up the community are untrustworthy then as a whole they shouldn't be trusted either.  Makes sense to me anyway.

I am Stonehenge

Looking down the barrel at the firing squad.  A jumble of people thrown together to forge some semblance of authority.  Halfwits and maroons across the board.  Hurling negativity, like it will turn all sparkly with the revelation that no one is perfect.  Yet, perfection is not sought.  It is up to each person to do their own job and not seek its completion by others.  Bashing the youth as they stare them down, their condescension burning in the souls of the clueless.

It is just beyond me how an inquisition of this magnitude was assembled for something so seemingly trivial.  Then, it is supposed to have been up to me to "fix" things.  These people got the wrong gal, especially since I don't believe that there is anything broken.  It was almost laughable to see their expressions when I so graciously reminded  them that what they were asking of me was still under their job description.

Seriously, we all have enough to manage throughout the day.  Did they actually expect that a show of force would bully me into submission.  They could think or say what they want, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to lie down and let them stomp on me with a smile.  It will take more than their boldfaced intimidation tactics to knock me down.  Do people actually cower to them?  They must, or they wouldn't keep trying to assert their assumed superiority.

Boy, if they think they are going to call me in there on a regular basis, they are in for quite the fight.  Once is more than enough for me.  Perhaps they should focus on solutions instead of bombarding people with all the minuscule "problems" that really aren't even worth the time of mentioning.  Talk about being focused on the wrong thing.

The Net is Calling

There's just something about the internet.  It's like a drug.  It lures you in and grabs hold.  It calls you in the middle of the night, for no other reason than to sit in its ethereal glow and ponder nothing.  There is a certain beauty in the way that it can call you from your slumber just to see if someone in fact reached out to you through cyberspace.  Email, twitter, blogs it's all the same.  Some know you in substance and some just in theory.  People form ideas about who you are based on what you put out there.  Yet, there are those who are honest and the words they choose to represent themselves are a true reflection unbeknownst to them, and there are those who choose their words so carefully as to surgically remove any resemblance to their real selves.

Personally, I find it tiresome to try to pretend to be something or someone just have strangers think that you are better than you are.  Nope, here my mood is always naked and my heart is on my sleeve.  My mind is running rampant about nothing and everything at the same time.  I'm not crazy or on meds, I'm just me.  Boring?  To some I'm sure, and to others not so much. 

Having said that, I am also a coward to a certain degree.  I am free, here and in the few other forums that I have made a slight presence, only because I am anonymous.  I could be anyone. I could be you.  There have been those few that have made enough of an impression that I have chosen to share my real life with them.  After all, connections can be made without the luxury of proximity.  But if I had to share all of myself with the world through the internet, I don't think I would share at all.

I wonder if I am afraid of being judged by those who dwell beside me in my humble real-life world.  Who knows?  All those who matter to me know I'm on here.  I think it is the freedom that I enjoy.  The release of all that could turn evil if left to fester in my mind.  Okay, maybe that was a bit much.  But it is easier to get through the day when I'm not holding onto a lot of nothing that is taking up space that I'd rather fill with belly laughs and bear hugs.

Change?

The time is now, I suppose.  When better?  Change is a good thing.  It can even be tangible freedom.  The question is, how can one make changes for the better that are embedded in the fiber of ones being rather than something that one has to continually ponder in order to effect.  Forced change is temporary. 

The need to be better drives, though admittedly more slowly than I would like.  There is always room for improvement.  Can't help but wonder why it is so much easier to see our own faults than to notice fault in another.  It is almost automatic to place blame squarely on my own shoulders, yet, I freely give credit to everyone else.  Logically speaking, it is impossible to be responsible for everyone's everything.  So, therefore, I am obviously not responsible for every bad decision that those around me make, only for my own.  Which again, I readily take the blame for.

So, back to the question of how to make changes.  It's easy to change the idea of something, but to make it habit is more difficult a task.  I need to exercise more patience when dealing with, well...everything.  Yet, when the sea of life is moving calmly, then it is easy to find patience.  When rough seas prevail, then I tend to lose my mind.  Not really, but I definitely am not who I would prefer to be in those situations.  There is only so much of me to go around.  It is difficult to want to be who everyone needs at the moment they need it and be entrenched in the things that need to be done to keep everything else running smoothly.

Is this a problem that plagues all Moms, or just the over-analytical types like myself?  Anyway, if I start to think about everything I wish I could be to my kids, my husband, myself, I just might have a breakdown.  We can only be who we are.  Yet, I believe that change can happen.  Now, if only I could find a nice and easy way to make little changes to push me down the road to the bigger ones.

The Day After

Like water off a ducks back, the smile returns.  The next day all is well, as if it never happened.  There is no denial, but there is also no dwelling.  A lesson I wish I could learn as I continue to ponder things incessantly.  Resilient and strong in spite fear.  Quiet and hopeful and grateful for a good day.  I am at ease in the knowledge that despite appearances, he is truly stronger than I could hope to be.