Thursday, June 10, 2010

"Dew" Kids, Veggie What?, and Family Fun

On my to visit my family I pondered how the next generation has grown, and is growing.  I thought of my niece, the first of my parents grandchildren.  She has always been amazing and headstrong.  Unfortunately, the strong will of hers tends to ride the the crest of the waves that accompany the teen years.  At eighteen, she knows everything and can't be told anything.  Her story will be written by her hand.  She has the same sweet heart at her core, but finding her way back to herself will probably be a bumpy ride, even for a great kid, oops...woman, like herself.  Now that she has graduated, and is under her own control instead of the perceived iron thumb of her Mom, life will teach her its lessons and we will be their to watch her rise and pick her up if she should stumble.

My nephew, who recently turned vegetarian bordering on vegan, well, that boy needs some help.  I can understand wanting to be healthy.  I can understand not wanting to assist the progression of animal cruelty by buying the products made with animals in less than ideal conditions.  I had to bring him a bunch of eggs from my wonderful free range chickens.  I had to pack them so they wouldn't get jostled around on a five hour road trip.  I was happy to do it.  After all, he was so excited to get these eggs, and I'd do it again.  Gladly.

Yet, after I get the cruelty of commercially grown egg layers speech, the boy eats all kinds of cheese.  Cheese that, potentially, comes from cows that are held in similar cramped and cruel conditions, and he drinks milk without a second thought.  So, through this, I realized a few things.  First, I apparently am an all or nothing kind of gal.  If I'm so against cruelty to animals (I do not condone animal cruelty in any way) that I boycott one item, then I would have to boycott anything associated with it even remotely.  I could not go veggie, I would have to go vegan.  I pointed out the flaws in his theory and he just rolled his eyes and stormed off.  I doubt he'll give it a second thought.  In his eyes, I'm just another silly grown up.  Then again, he could decide that he can give it all up and go back to meat, or my sister could kill me in my sleep for turning him vegan and thus make living with him unbearable.

I love you Sis, please don't duct tape me to a chair blindfolded and force me to eat tofurkey and soy ice cream.  (I am on my knees, hands clasped together and begging for a lighter sentence)

Did I mention that I love you sis?

Then again, this is the same manchild who thinks he's grown.  He is almost seventeen.  He is in full rebellion of authority.  He still loves ME, therefore I must not be an authority figure.  Hmmm, I just realized that I fall into that category of adult that he thinks is docile and useless, not so sure I like that very much.  Well, at least he still talks to me.  What more could I ask for?  Oh, I know!  I could ask for the boy to get clue.

My dear, sweet little nephew, who thinks he's a man.  Has apparently lost all of his marbles.  Wait, how many marbles did he have to start with?  I suppose it doesn't matter, as he still has none now.  To be full of hormones and charisma, the world is his oyster.  Unfortunately, he is high on clams.  Yes, by clams I mean the girlie kind.  My little baby nephew, the one once known as Bubba because he was so chunky and cute, the one who wanted nothing more than to suckle until he practically started kindergaten, has grown into a HO.  Not a wanna be ho, nope, a full on slutty girls calling him in the middle of the night kind of ho, girls screaming his name at his sisters graduation kind of...HO (imagine that last one sung in the 80's 'Hey, Ho, Hey Ho' style).  Oh, he's so proud, the silly boy.

As Hubby and I are taking my sister and niece out for a celebratory dinner, I learned a little something that was disturbing, hysterically funny, and oh so sad all at the same time.  Did you know that Mountain Dew has spermicidal side effects as do skinny jeans?  Apparently, one day as my dear nephew got into the car with his friend and my sister, he had the world's largest Mountain Dew in hand.  When asked why on earth he would get such a gargantuan Mountain Dew, my sister was regaled with this knowledge quite enthusiastically.  Just to be clear, MOUNTAIN DEW AND SKINNY JEANS IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT BIRTH CONTROL!!!

Wait a second...okay.  Sorry, I had to stop laughing.  What on Earth is that?!  Do teenagers today actually believe this nonsense?  Well, in his defense, if he would keep it zipped up in his skinny jeans, well, that would be birth control.  Oh, on the flip side, Dr. Pepper is suppose boost sperm count.  Yeah, fertility by soft drink...someone was very, very high to think this mess up.  I wonder if the high rate of teen pregnancy correlates to this street knowledge of how the body works?  Hmmm...My guess is that years ago some stupid kid really liked Dr. Pepper, and really, really liked sex.  Since, he could only afford either a six pack of Dr. Pepper or a three pack of condoms, decided that his thirst was stronger than his need for a piece.  He must have underestimated his lack of will power.  Anyway, nine months and six kids later, he deduced that his virility was due to the fact he drank so much Dr. Pepper.  At the same moment, one of his friends realized that all he drank was Mountain Dew and he didn't have any kids.  The word spread like wildfire.  Who needs condoms when you can "Do the Dew".  What they failed to realize is that the other kid, the Dew kid, couldn't get piece if he paid for it.  So, was it the Mountain Dew or his virginity that kept him from being a teen Daddy?  Hmmmmm?  Anyway, this theory grew into street fact and years later, there's my nephew, in his skinny jeans with his ginormous Mountain Dew.

Don't worry folks, Hubby and I got him a box of condoms with spermicidal lubricant.  Yeah, now, he can blame it on the Mountain Dew if he wants to.  I can rest easy knowing that STD's and the next generation of "Dew kids" has been prevented, at least in our family.  Unfortunately, I will never look at skinny jeans the same way again.  He wears them, I laugh in his face.  I'm still laughing at the thought.  I'll still be laughing in twenty years when he's married and has kids.  He can always count on me to bring this story up when I meet his girlfriends (if he ever thinks enough of them to bring them home...HO), or when I see his regular friends, or to all of my friends and apparently the whole world.

I put this in cyberspace as a Public Service Announcement.

1 comment:

Alan said...

Mountain Dew as a birth control? Never heard that one. Where is all that sex education that the crazy people are always complaining about.

By the way, my older brother and his wife live for reminding me of things I said and did when I was a teenager.